A letter to my future self

You seem to find yourself in this same place, time and time again. It’s a cycle of ups & downs where your heart wanders from the things you know to be true. You feel defeated and shamed from the consequences of your sin, almost to the point of beginning to doubt how His grace could reach you. I am writing this in order to help remind you of the things to cling to and how to combat the temptations, lies, and sinful thoughts that lead you to a dark and dreary place. 

1. Your purpose in life is to worship God. In order to do this properly and adequately, you have to be consistent in His Word. When you get out of routine of reading, it leads to other things consuming your mind. Whether that’s work, comfort, laziness, tv, movies, etc. When these consume your mind, your purpose in life becomes secondary and you begin to live for yourself. You think at the time everything is good, but as soon as you are tempted you are too weak to fight back. You believe in the lie that once the seed is planted, you have to go through with it. No. DO NOT BELIEVE THIS LIE. Pick up the Word. Fight against whatever leads you from these truths.

2. Meditate on the gospel. Turn to the gospels and not only read it but study it. The gospel is the powerful/life-changing truth that softened your heart and revealed its sinfulness before a Holy and perfect God. Without meditation on His Word you forget what you have been saved from. You look for the temporary/earthly things that make you feel good now. Your heart begins to harden and become impatient with people. You focus on yourself and forget that Jesus came to save. You know Jesus Christ. You love Jesus Christ. Let your actions reflect this truth and strive to extend the love that He extended to you. The gospel is your foundation.

3. You should only seek approval from God, not man. This is a constant struggle for you. God knows your heart and he knows your struggles. Christ endured every temptation imaginable and so he grieves with us. He knows what you are going through, and he wants you to depend on him.  Your identity is found in Christ. When you look for hope in people, you are disappointed and discouraged. You look for a way out and find it in other people. In many cases, you find it in people who don’t know Jesus Christ. The immediate warmth that you think you feel is so temporary. You are using these people to escape the real issues, which still remain in your heart. And sometimes, you find yourself making rash decisions that only lead to more sin. Run to God. Come to Him in prayer and repentance. He is the ultimate authority and your creator. He is what you put your hope and trust in.

4. Your church is your family. No matter what you feel, you made a commitment to Lighthouse Bible Church to love your fellow members and to come alongside them on this race with Christ. Although there are days when you feel so removed or awkward or uncomfortable, THIS IS YOUR CHURCH FAMILY. You have to reflect on your heart and evaluate why you struggle with these feelings. You have often had a difficult time seeing the church body as your actual family, and that’s because you are scared. You are scared of being vulnerable with a group of fellow believers and being rejected. It is an issue of fearing man, not God. To battle this, you need to continue to look for opportunities to serve and invest in the body. You can’t escape on Sundays and think that this will help you love others more. Your need to check yourself. Check your heart and get rid of the pride that prevents you from fully embracing God’s church.

5. He created you and loves you. God created you in His image. He loves you more than anyone here on this earth. His love for you should be enough. He did not create you to bring you comfort. He created you for worship. Even though the world may tell you what you want to hear, you were not created to fulfill the identity that society has created. God created you with a purpose. He has a plan for you that no one else knows. Exercise faith and believe that He will sustain you.

6. You are not alone. As difficult as things may be, you are not alone. Even when battling sin issues or in crazy unreal circumstances, God is always there. God has provided you His Word to give you hope in this fallen world. He has provided a church body that cares for you and your walk with Christ. He has given you brothers that are willing to come alongside and carry your burdens. Satan will tempt to isolate you and make you believe that you are so far from God that you should just give up. The enemy is real, but God is bigger than him. You are never too far from His grace. He is always there. God is bigger than any sin. He can sustain you through it. He is with you.

I am sure there is more to tell you, but as I think of them I will add. Please don’t give up. Remember the gospel. Remember Christ. Take a step back and remember what you have been saved from. Embrace the many blessings that He has put before you. He loves you. You have a loving creator who wants to see you be faithful to His Word. Utilize the accountability He has established/sustained while you are here on earth. 

Reset Button?

Since my last post, I’ve felt like events in my life seemed to spiral out of control. I’ve often found myself looking for a reset button so I could start over. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of the bigger picture. I knew that I would face various trials and struggles, but I think deep down I hoped that I wouldn’t have to fight. That I would stick to the plan and the vision that I set in place to exalt Christ with little to no adversity. Wrong. Oh so wrong. The Christian life is full of adversity and it is not supposed to be easy. As I reflect on the past ~2 months, I see my heart’s attitude exposed and my lack of dependence on the One who brings peace and understanding.

For those that don’t know, my dad was recently diagnosed with diabetes in early March. In fact he was diagnosed on the wedding day of a close friend in which I was asked to stand as a groomsmen. Prior to going on stage to stand for my friend I was left with a voicemail that basically informed me that my dad was taken to the ICU because of the severity of his condition. The doctor’s said that his blood sugar level was so high that if he had not come to the hospital when he did, he could have gone into a diabetic coma. As I stood on stage, thoughts raced through my mind. It was like my biggest fear had come to reality. I’ve always worried about my Dad’s health and I feared that I would get a phone call that he had a heart attack or clogged artery, etc. This event was too close to what I feared. The current standing my Dad has before God is not good. I held it together throughout most of the wedding, until I saw a familiar face and close friend. At that point, I lost it and the reality of what could have happened hit me like a ton of bricks. The fragility of life once again displayed. Ever since I lost my friend to suicide, I can’t help but prepare myself for anything. But what I often forget is that no matter what, God works everything for good and according to His plan. My dad’s life is not one that I can control, nor can I soften his heart to understand his sinfulness. The only thing I can do is respond to life’s events in a God-honoring and God-glorifying way. My parents need prayer, and that’s what I will do.

Typically after events like these, I try to think about the lessons or principles God reminded/taught me through it. However, I also feel emotionally drained. My tendency is to seek satisfaction through validation from people. This opens up a can of worms as I forget that the only one who can fully satisfy is Christ. I seek approval of the hardships I endured and the glory of God tends to filter away. I see myself doing it with each time I share my trials. I praise God with my lips, but I receive my validation in the reaction from people. This is what I’ve realized as I wondered why I tend to struggle after going through events like these. It’s because my heart had ulterior motives and the glory of God was not at the forefront. It is a difficult thing to admit but a realization that I had to address. Since this event, I found myself struggling with keeping up with the disciplines and becoming lax on the convictions I set before. It was here where I looked hard for the reset button. But, again, even by looking for this reset button I was disregarding the sovereignty of my heavenly father. The events that took place and the exposure of my heart had to take place. Nothing is a mistake. My sinfulness is something I will always fight and He will continue to refine me throughout the years. He will finish the good work that He started. I thank my God for His grace and His patience daily.

Quick Update

I figured it would be good to do a recap of how things have been going up here in the bay. I broke it up into different segments/aspects of my life: 

• Home- Moving back home has overall been great. I really didn’t know what to expect but more and more I can see God providing opportunities to invest in my relationship with my family members. I can see and feel the difference in how we interact with each other. For example, my dad has been unemployed since August and with his spare time he packs lunch for both my mom and me. He remembers things that we like and he even calls me to ask if I will be home for dinner. This is completely different from when I was in high school. The amount of care and love that is shown, even in the little things (like packing lunch) continues to reveal itself in a variety of ways. Although there are challenges, I am reminded often to pray for their unbelief & hope that one day they would see their sin in light of a holy & perfect God. 

• Work- I am really enjoying my job. I am so THANKFUL that it is a positive environment that supports its employees and their development. I am so grateful that I get to oversee the Student Ambassador program which consists of 7 students and assist them in their leadership and personal development. Everyone has been so welcoming and encouraging. I get up in the morning excited to come to a place where most people enjoy what they do. God is so good. I was really scared from my previous employment, but this has been such a breadth of fresh air. My students have been very receptive to me and they respect me as their “boss”. God has opened up many opportunities to share my faith and beliefs. He is building relationships between my coworkers and I and creating a safe environment to share. So thankful.

• College Staff- I was terrified about joining College Staff. I haven’t served in this capacity before and I didn’t want to “ruin” people’s souls. I didn’t think I was ready, but when I reflected on what it meant to be on College Staff I realized that it was really about depending on Christ & trusting that He would use me in whatever way He saw fit. I can honestly say that I am so thankful that I took this leap of faith and joined staff. I am continually growing to love & care for the college students. I’ve only been on staff since January but I have already seen much fruit from the ministry.

• Church- What a blessing it is to have lighthouse bible church up here in my hometown. It’s still strange to think that this is a reality. The church continues to grow and being a part of it is so encouraging. God has been so gracious to form new relationships and provide accountability. It has been such a smooth transition and I can’t thank God enough. 

It’s like everything fell into place. I’m not saying that everything has been smooth sailing, but He has provided an environment to grow and people to come alongside this race with Christ. It is another testament to His faithfulness. Thank you God for your timing. Everything that has happened, both bad and good, has led me to this moment in my life. Thank you for challenging me to see things through your lens. I am forever grateful and look forward to what’s in store for the future. Both trials and joys, I will rejoice. 

A Place of Solitude

Where is your place of solitude? With the busyness of life, I often find myself looking for an outlet to sit and process what is going on in my life. I think one place for me is in the airport when I am waiting to board my flight home. Usually travels involve visiting people, rushing from place to place as there is never enough time do everything that you want to do. But when I get to the airport, it is like everything stops. My bags have been checked or I have them in the seat next to me, and I am able to think about anything and everything. For once it feels like I don’t have anywhere to be. In general, life seems to go by faster with each coming year and sometimes it feels like I don’t have enough time to take it all in. I need to find more places like the airport, so I can reflect and appreciate this life that Christ died for. I take for granted the price that Christ paid in order to redeem me from my sins. When I hear these truths, my heart aches because I know there are areas of my life that I try to remain in control. My laziness and my selfishness taint the gospel and I am constantly coming before the Father in repentance. I am thankful for His grace and the knowledge that there is nothing that I can do to earn his approval. The fact that He softened my heart and revealed the sin that separated me from Him is a gift. God, as I sit here very early on Wednesday morning, I can only say thank you. Thank you for being patient, faithful and sovereign. Thank you for the access we have to your Word. Thank you for providing places of solitude to meditate on the things of you. To You be the Glory, forever and ever. 

I am made in the image of Him

Something that I have been reflecting on lately is the authority of God. Last week I attended my first LBCSJ College Bible Study and we looked at the first few verses in Hebrews & examined 5 truths about Christ that we need to consider each and every day of our lives. The message was extremely timely and it helped me to understand that we were made in His image. That we were made to worship Him because He is the creator. Our purpose in life is not to live for marriage, or children, or to make money, but above all we are to live for Christ. Too many times I have felt this burden or this weight that I have to be at a certain point with a certain status at a certain age. I kept wrestling with why this was a constant struggle, but that’s because the world tries to set standards for our lives. We get so wrapped up in the world and we forget to see the bigger picture. God created us to live for Christ. To live for Him that we would glorify His name to everyone we come across. JR explained that if we stop savoring Christ or habitually treasuring Christ for who He is, we will fall away. It is so true. If Christ isn’t at the center, then something else apart from God is. Our God is a jealous God because He wants us. He wants ALL parts of us (our lives, our decisions, our heart). We were made for Him. What an amazing truth! It brings peace to my heart knowing that my life is not mine, that He is the ultimate authority over everything. God, you are in control and you have placed me here with a purpose. Help me to live boldly, that I would not take for granted the opportunities you have presented/provided in my life. Thank you Father for saving me from my sin. I really can’t wait to worship you in heaven, but until that day may I be a faithful servant who focuses not on myself but on furthering the ministry of the gospel.

12 Goals for 2012

January 20th?? Already? The new year is trekking along while I am already it seems playing catch up. As I reflected on my year in 2011, I wanted to really dive head first into the new year with some action plans and goals that would continue to grow/stretch/mold me to become more like Christ. It is a daunting task if you think about it, but if we look at the scriptures it is what we are commanded to do. We are no longer living for ourselves but to please and worship a Holy and perfect God. So, this year I made resolutions and I hope that I will be purposeful and proactive in completing/working through these goals. This blog is included in the resolutions and I hope to use it as a way to share what I am learning, new hobbies I find, pictures from past travels, funny stories, and reflections on different life circumstances/situations. So, as a way for you to hold me accountable… here is the list of goals for 2012: 

Theme: To focus on consistency in whatever I do to the glory of God. 

1. Write a reflection on what I am learning every month. 
2. Read one christian book every 2 months (6 in total for the year) 
3. Pray everyday (Giving thanks, for others, for the church, personal) 
4. Continue reading the Word daily with a goal of reading 10 list but practically all 10 lists in 2 days. 
5. Blog twice a month (at least) 
6. Work on creating a budget for my spending and learn how to save 
7. Continue to put myself in uncomfortable situations to grow/mature in my faith and increase in my dependence on Christ
8. To serve in a larger capacity at church 
9. To humble myself when I am weak/tempted and to call my accountability for prayer/encouragement
10. To not be discouraged when I do fall short but to quickly come to repentance/prayer and confess my sins to prevent them from weighing me down on my walk, 
11. To evangelize/share my faith to a non believer monthly (co-worker, family, friend, seeker) 
12. To run 212 miles in a year (thats 4 miles per week) 

Well, that’s it! The 12 goals for 2012. Although this isn’t everything, I think it encompasses all areas of my life in which I could use some refining & to be challenged to put my full trust in God. This year is going by at rapid speed, but I can already see positive changes and the potential to bear much fruit. I’m excited to see what God has in store and how I can be used for His kingdom! 

2011 Reflection

As the year comes to a close, it is always a good time to reflect on God’s provision over the year. This year was quite challenging for me both personally and spiritually. It was a year full of transitions and uncertainties that revealed my lack of faith of dependence on Christ. In grad school, my insecurities reappeared and I lacked focus on what was most important in my life. I forwent many opportunities to fellowship with other believers and to invest in the church community. I was all over the place, but yet God was so gracious to provide a handful of brothers and sisters who challenged me & invested their time in getting to know me. I had brothers and sisters from San Diego and Nor Cal who checked in with me to see how I was doing in LA. It was moments  like these that made me realize how undeserving I am of His provision. I was so inward focus, yet God still used people to check on my well-being (spiritually and physically). Through all of it I learned how easily my heart is swayed and can wrap itself in the ephemeral things of the world.

After grad school, I transitioned back home and slowly looked for jobs. This was both an excellent opportunity to spend more time with God (reading at starbucks, writing reflection papers, etc) but it also provided me with TOO much time on my own. There were definitely times of encouragement and growth, but also a time where more sin was revealed in my heart and old sin reappeared. It was a taxing time, but again His grace continued to flow. Despite my lack of trust, He provided a job and gave me clarity in regards to where He wanted me to be. He has provided many opportunities to minister to my family, invest in deeper relationships and ways to serve the church body. It was all on His timing, I just needed to trust in His provision. It’s sad how quickly I can become overwhelmed and lose hope, but He gently points me back to the Word and His gospel. He has provided accountability with brothers who can look past my sin and come alongside to carry my burdens.

This is just a brief overview, but man what-a-year. I made many mistakes and I constantly fell short. However, through this year I learned how to persevere. There were so many times I wanted to give up, but He wouldn’t let me. Despite my faithlessness, He opened opportunities to use me to minister to others. I was stunned because I felt so inadequate, but He uses broken sinners for His kingdom and glory.

2012 is on its way.. and I have for the first time made concrete resolutions for the year. One includes writing more frequently (at least twice per month). I hope that this can be an outlet to process, share, and encourage others. 2012, I’m ready for you. Let’s  make the focus of this year on God and His glory and strive to live our lives in light of this truth.

Happy (almost) New Year!

Answered Prayer

I am always so amazed when I am reminded how everything works out with a specific purpose to glorify God. For those that don’t know, I have been unemployed technically since I graduated (June 11) but I didn’t really start applying like mad until August and I turned down a job as well. There were so many times that I doubted my decision to be lax about the job search and even turning down the opportunity in Berkeley. I realize though that if I had taken the job at Berkeley I wouldn’t have been able to develop the relationships I have here in SJ and be as involved/invested in the church community. For these past 6 months, I was really confused as to where He wanted me to be. I felt torn between San Diego and San Jose. I knew that I was resolved to stay at Lighthouse Bible Church, but where He wanted me to serve was unknown. In San Diego was where I became a Christian, formed strong relationships with Christian brothers who carried the burden of my sin and pointed me to Christ when everything seemed like it was too much to handle. These were some of the defining moments on my walk with Christ. In light of this, I was really scared to let it go. I knew in San Jose there would be so many opportunities to serve not only the church but my family. In the six months up here God has really been opening up doors to grow stronger with my family and share with them my faith in Jesus Christ. In addition, Pastor John saw me through some of the darkest points of my life in San Diego and his shepherding up here in San Jose has been something I truly value. In light of this, my prayers have been asking God to lead me where He wants me. I applied and applied and applied… and He answered… I’m going to be working at SJSU.

I am excited that He has brought some clarity and has confirmed where I will be for quite some time. I was so happy and excited at the job, but it also sank in that San Diego will not be home (for now). Thank you for your prayers, support and love. I know I don’t deserve it. I am excited at the opportunity that God has opened up for me here in San Jose and I’m excited to finally call this my temporary home for at least 2 to 3 years.

God is so good.

Can’t Sleep

It’s one of those nights where you can’t quite grasp what it is thats keeping you so awake. What seems like a million ideas or thoughts zoom by but you are still sitting in the same place… time is the only thing that has passed. Tonight I really can’t understand how God could save a sinner like me. I feel like I go through stages of highs and lows. And at the root of the lows is my own selfishness. It’s when my eyes aren’t looking at the cross but instead gazing on the things that thwart and distract me from God. Sometimes I think that in any moment I should be struck down. but in His grace He continues to pick me up, shower me in love, and continue to keep working in my heart. My flesh and the world seem to have such a grip on me but I’m reminded that His grip is THAT much stronger. I am no longer a slave to sin, but a slave to righteousness. There is much beauty in the broken and the vulnerability of fellow brothers and sisters. God continues to mold, refine, and remind us of our desperate need for a savior. My sin is so debilitating at times, but I know I need to keep fighting. God has soften my heart to see my sin for what it is and it’s His truth and promises that give me hope. He will finish the good work He started in me. Nothing will take that away. Not my sin, not the world, no one. With the new year coming, I really want to make a valiant effort to take my eyes off myself and be used in whatever way to expand His kingdom. The instant gratification that sin promises is a LIE. I need to remind myself this each and every day and in every battle against sin. I am truly thankful that He has made His Word so accessible and its humbling when I think I can go into battle with out my sword. Again, my own faultiness and sinfulness. Everyday is a lesson. God, thank you for being a patient teacher, loving father, and gracious shepherd. I truly don’t deserve it, but so grateful that I receive it.

Psalm 139 (ESV)

Something I read this morning that I think is such a wonderful picture of the personal relationship we have with Christ…

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, behold,
O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me;
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall come over me, and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me! The speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain!
Do I not hate those who hate you , O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise against you?
I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way of everlasting!

What an amazing hope we have in Him. May we really reflect on these truths and take heart to His love for us. May we flee from sin and focus our eyes upward. What joy we have in our wonderful Father. Praise God for softening our hearts and revealing our sin. He is good.